August 12 [b/ween 6:30pm to 12mn]
We were, on the night when both [him and I] finally decided to grant himself some space, were scouting for possible prenuptial photo shoot costumes. We were pegging to do something more comical than romantic. I was so grateful at his simple gesture of agreeing to have the whole shoot done in a Star Wars-ish setting, definitely not a movie he was very fond of, but I was beyond the heavens when he agreed.
He was so sweet back then. Definitely not the type to show me off to the world, but I knew, deep in my heart, I knew he had me placed on a pedestal, proclaiming to all known and unknown gods that he'd protect me. Not that I did not need protection, but I knew he meant to have me feel so secured. And, in all fairness, I was. No matter how much I had it all contradicted, he always knew how to make me feel safe.
It was a question of punctuality over commitment. So, on the night of our costume search, when I had asked him if he wanted to go to his office, an hour and some 10 minutes before his regular shift, he gave me a straight yes. We had initially planned to convene 30 minutes before his shift, but, after a series of fits and arguments, he left. It was 7:55pm. He was such a comic, so despite my repulsive reaction to spit all fire on his face, I waited. I waited until our originally agree-upon, 8:30pm. I then realized, I was alone.
He was there, right there, looking so sly and gorgeous with his formally kempt top and perfume. Right on time at work. So, I handed him the ring, his promise of keeping me safe, asking him to return it back to me once he'd finally decide on keeping his promise.
After a short menthol drag, ice cream and a mentally impulsed fit, it finally came to me. At that point, I knew he was drifting. So was I.
I handed him the poison that I have been barfing out of my system for 32 days. I gave him the space that had him to eventually realize that, he cannot make me feel safe...
And right know, I'm starting to believe that, no one can.
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